Hang in there Mama

Hey there mama!

Was today a rough day? One of those days when you had insomnia and maybe only got 2 hours of sleep. Those days when your toddlers keep fighting and yelling. The baby doesn’t want to nap and won’t stop crying. It takes every ounce of your over-tired self to keep your patience, as you comfort, correct, and meet request all day long. You find yourself saying ridiculous things like, “stop licking your brothers toes” without even realizing how weird that sounds. There are Cheerios all over the floor, and your snack is leftover sweet potato fries that never made it into the fridge last night.

You change countless diapers, and wipe many dirty faces. You love these wild little people who don’t like to wear clothes, never stop running and moving, and have tantrums so bad that you question if they are a little insane.

You fret that you aren’t doing enough, and worry if you are doing things the “right” way. Am I teaching them enough? Am I showing them enough love? Am I raising up children who will be a light to this dark world?

You pray constantly for God’s help because there are many moments where the patience and the gentle nurturing are not what comes naturally. You take deep breaths, hide in the bathroom for a break, and are secretly wanting to drown your sorrows in chocolate.

You are doing a great job. Even on the days it feels like you are doing everything wrong. Even on the days you question if your kids will ever understand, or get what you are trying to teach them. One day you’ll look up and see glimpses of understanding that melt your heart. When they say sorry to a sibling on their own, or comfort their crying baby brother even though they are only a baby themself. You’ll hear them say, “please” and “thank you” and hear them encouraging their sister who just accomplished a task or built something fun with blocks. You’ll see them sit and play nicely all together, even if it’s only for a few seconds.

Hang in there mama. These tough days and the way you handle them with love and grace will hold more lessons for your kids than you can imagine. When you mess up, you can apologize to those sweet little baby faces, reminding them that you aren’t perfect and that grace doesn’t run out.

On the toughest days pray, breathe, and remember you aren’t alone in the trenches of motherhood.

💗💗💗

 

Turn up the Truth

Does anyone else ever wake up and feel like the whole weight of the world is on their shoulders? For me it tends to start off by reading the news or an article one second- and the next I enter a dangerous downward spiral of panic, fear, and anger.

These emotions have become stronger and stronger with the responsibility of parenthood. I often find that I will read something and fear for the well-being of my children; 10, 15… 20 years from now. What kind of world will this be as I read comments of hatred towards women and how they are objects? What will our world look like when all I see is stories about war, hatred, murder, rape.

When years of my personal life experience has shown the falling of people who have an important role, who you trust- who choose lesser things over what’s truly important. Who hurt, who act selfishly, who throw their lives away for sinful desires.

All I know is it sparks fear, and worry and those feelings intensify when you have children to raise and teach… And you hear that scary whisper deep down in your gut knowing that although you will do your best there is no guarantee of them being protected from any of these things because this is life.

So what now?! You’re in a panic- your breath quickens, your heart rate beats faster and you start to have crazy thoughts about your life choices. Was it selfish to bring children into the world? Blah, blah.

Then you take a deep breath, you open God’s word, and you realize the beauty of all the reassuring verses. That God is our strength and our shield. That a light on a hill cannot be hidden. That WE WILL face trouble in this life, but TAKE HEART because He has OVERCOME the world!

We are here for such a short time. No one knows what that length of time will be. All I know is that’s what I want to be, that’s what I hope and pray for my children. That we would be a light to this world, shining brightly into darkness. That we would bring hope and peace to the many who are hurting. That somehow our messy life experiences, as horrible as some may be, would inspire hope and drive into someone who is just overcoming a similar hurt and pain.

I stopped myself this morning. I turned off the loud panic button threatening to ruin my day, and I turned up the Truth button that often gets drowned out by the world and its depravity. I want to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman. There are a lot of great things in there that I would like to be. But the verse that resonates the most with my heart is this:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity and can laugh at the days to come.”
-Proverbs 31:25

As someone who struggles with anxiety this verse is a challenge! But it is a challenge I am willing to accept and one I have seen tremendous growth in. I don’t know what my future holds, or what the future holds for my children. The bible reassures us that part of our lives WILL include trouble. It’s just a part of life. But I want to teach my children by example that there is nothing to fear when we tune out the world and crank up the words of Jesus in our mind. The world is so depraved and messed up, but just because the majority is turning to lesser things, doesn’t mean we have to. It doesn’t mean we have to fear that someone else might fall away or hurt us.

What do you need to turn down in your head this morning? Is it fear? Anger? Hopelessness? I guarantee it’s because the thoughts of this world are too loud in your head, and you need to stop and take a moment and fill your mind with Truth.

As for me, I’m going to play with my babies and laugh and be joyful at the days to come… Because really… I was never in control in the first place, and when I become fearful and worried it’s when I start to take the reigns of my own life. Not today. God- you have the reigns and I will do my best to hand them over to you each and every day. 💗

A Christmas Letter to My Husband

Christmas holds a very special place in my heart. First, because it’s the time of year where I celebrate the birth of my Savior who has defined my life and how I live and who I try to keep at the center of everything I am. When thinking about this season, Relient K couldn’t have said it better than in these lyrics, “And the first time that you opened your eyes, did you realize that You would be my Savior? And the first breath that left your lips did you know that it would change this world forever? ….. I celebrate the day, that you were born to die, so one day I could pray for You to save my life.”

Really think on what that means. Knowing God sent His one and only son to be born, knowing the horrible death He would endure… For us. He was born to die for you, and for me. Nothing else is more beautiful than that. I think on this truth when I look at the beautiful lights, our tree, when I smell the cold air, and drink my cocoa. Even still, there is nothing more beautiful.

The second greatest reason I am thankful for the Christmas season is because in a couple weeks it will be 6 years since my husband proposed to me. Six years ago he chose me. He chose me with my imperfections, my insecurities; a girl in her early 20’s who truly believed she would never find someone to love her.

But, Daniel did. There are still many days I ask God why. God, why would You choose me, why would Daniel choose me??? Each time I get to this point, God and Daniel, even though they see the real, imperfect, flawed, ME- gently remind me that I am loved, treasured and beautiful. Each time this happens I wonder why I’m so blessed to hear these truths despite doubts and past hurts. I don’t really know the answer for this, but I do know I don’t take this unconditional love for granted.

So- back to this letter I want to write! 🙂 This Christmas season I have tried to plan out some special ways to honor my husband and all that he means to me. One of these things is a “shout to the world letter” of how amazing he is. And no, It’s not because he’s perfect, or is a natural romantic, or an out of the movies kind of guy. (Although I will say he has come along way and recognizes my need for this sometimes, but that’s not why at all.) Daniel from the night he proposed on Christmas Eve has been used by God to redeem back so many things in my life and the life of my family that I never knew possible. Christmas Eve used to be hard for us, as it represented the marriage of my mom and my last step-dad. A man who hurt us deeper than you could imagine through constant lies and ruining my trust in men. Daniel redeemed back this day to represent joy and hopeful expectation of something different. Since then God has used him in my life to make me better, to break down my walls of hurt and trust issues and insecurities and to love me and see me as God sees me. The beautiful gift that is, there are truly no words for.

In stating these things- I also want to make something clear, we aren’t some perfect couple who has it all together, so please don’t take my post as such. In fact our marriage started off really rocky. We learned a lot about forgiveness and each other that first year. Both of us had a lot to learn, but we never gave up and kept clinging to God and each other and had amazing friends and support to help us through. We still have our days, after all marriage is NOT easy. It’s the choice to love an imperfect person who will at some point hurt you, and even when things are tough you choose to love them EVERY SINGLE DAY. We are both first born, strong-willed individuals and I can assure you that we can be short with one another, selfish, and not communicate well- but the beauty of it all is we have grown and learned together and we love each other imperfections and all. Our marriage has been a true picture of God’s love for me even though I am not perfect and fail daily. With all of these thoughts and our  background, I posted my letter below.

Daniel James,

Writing a letter to you is near impossible because there is so much I want to say and there just aren’t words for everything I would like to express. You are the man God has used to change my life- to make me stronger, more confident, and more trusting of others. You are the man I couldn’t imagine my life without. Who brings me joy and sanity on those days I feel like I could lose my mind. You are the man I want to face tough days with and to hold every night. You are the man I want to be joyful with and content even when our cars are falling apart and our budget is tight, on the good days and on the bad- you make me feel like the most blessed and happy woman in the world that I have you. I’m so thankful that you choose to come home to our growing, crazy little family every night! To a messy house, and often teary, hormonal pregnant wife and still proclaim how blessed you are. You are the man I want to raise our babies with and who has truly taught me about what being a father means in watching you love our girls the way they deserve to be loved and treated. I know our son is going to have the best example to truly teach him about what being a man means. Thank you for redeeming so many areas of my life that I thought were lost and gone forever. For following after God with your heart, soul, and mind so that He could use you in my life to push me closer to Him. Thank you for choosing to be a man of integrity each day, and for being the man of God I always knew you could be- maybe even before you knew it yourself.  🙂

As Christmas Eve is approaching, I have a question for you. Will you be our date after the Christmas Eve service? I know a special little place where everything started, and bringing our two beautiful girls and our growing baby boy along would be incredibly special. Also, Will you still be my husband always and forever, every day for however many days we have on this earth? I love you sweetheart. Thank you for everything!

Your wife